Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
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(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I am never leaving this website
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no