Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Remember folks 😂