*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done