In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
You Might Also Like
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”