ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Me, in DM rooms…
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*