Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
🤣😂
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
It do be feeling this way.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?