Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I love you…
…r dog.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
(Musicians.)
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”