5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter