I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life