FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
these two trucks have the same bed length
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
they split up moments later
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro