Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.