prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
These aliens are taking forever.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Worlds greatest photobomb
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.