I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
#Caturday
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
listen closely
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok