Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
you gotta be faster
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
necessity is the mother of invention
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi