What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
What?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.