I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat