Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
You Might Also Like
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Nose
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.