[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Self-cleaning conscience
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
asking santa clause for nudes
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.