Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Haha! 😂
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Need this in my life lol
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”