*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.