please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
There’s never enough good news
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles