IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
sleeping beauty
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”