Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.