Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her