Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I am patiently waiting for your email
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
It’s an epidemic…
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.