“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Lmao 🤣
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.