I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave