I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You Might Also Like
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.