If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.