At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule