I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix