Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
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In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Worlds greatest photobomb
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23