Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.