Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
So that’s what we looked like?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.