oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
is this how new cars are made??
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.