Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.