Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll