Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Happy Taco Tuesday
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.