Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
yes… yes…
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
You look like you would fail a DNA test
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
😏😏😏
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If you need a laugh.. 😅