I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Rich people don’t understand cereal
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I think I’ll stand
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.