I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
me, after any kind of buffet.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
me refusing to leave twitter
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.