[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Ferrari squats
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution