My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid