My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.