Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
next level snooze
Somebody’s lying.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: