they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
happy friday
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
When you let grandma cat sit
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.