I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Breaking news:
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
can you read it!!??
maan!
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.