Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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Vodka burrito was a success
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.