Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
CUTE CAT‼︎
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*