The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
#ParentingFacts
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.